I'm not perfect

It's no surprise to you or me
I'm not perfect - but you see
I accept this fact each day
Try to improve in some small way

So judge me if you want
I know you will
It's some weird void
You're trying to fill

At least I know where I stand
And on my feet I always land
I never claimed to be flaw free
I just try to be the best ME

Moving Right Along

So, as I have been packing these past couple of weeks in preparation for our move, one song has played over and over in my head.   All of you Muppet fans have guessed it I am sure...I can't get Fozzie Bear and Kermit the Frog out of my head, as they travel in search of their dream, and maybe get a little lost along the way.  Every time I start to panic about the fact that, while we have sold our house and need to be out of it by December 13th, well, we don't have a new house yet, this song comes to mind.  You see, our house that we were going to buy seems to have fallen through.  So, our current plan is really not a solid plan.  We are packing most of what we own into storage and staying with my parents (who live one block over from us now) until the details sort themselves out!  Are you beginning to see why Fozzie & Kermit are playing a role in my minimal sanity?  I am.  I couldn't figure out why this song kept popping into my head until I thought about "The Muppet Movie" and that song in particular.  Basically in the song, they get a bit lost and sidetracked on their way to LA, but it's all ok because they have their friends with them to get them through. 

For me, it's even better.  Not only do I have my friends to remind me to breathe when I start freaking out, I also have my family with me on this road trip.  My husband, Tom, and my three great kiddos, wherever we go, we are going together.  And also, my parents who have opened their doors to the 5 of us, for as long as we need to find a house we can agree on.  They are truly happy to get to have us even closer than we already are and I am looking forward to it as well.  So, even though I am not sure exactly where I am going, I do know that I am movin' right along....

Moving Right Along

Silver Linings

I was brought up in a happy house.  My parents loved each other, and us kids, I had older brothers and sisters who loved me and protected me.  As an adult I realize that maybe there were times when money was tight, but as a kid, I never knew that.  I had what I needed and then some, in all aspects of life.  So, I guess when bad stuff happens I always look for that silver lining. 

How can you find a silver lining in something as awful as cancer?  Well, when I read my friend Jill Kelly's book "Without a Word: How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything" I thought, if they could find hope and the silver lining in losing their son to Krabbe's disease, then, really, we should all be able to find the silver lining in our lives' worst struggles.   The silver lining doesn't make the pain go away, but it brings to us aspects of our lives we wouldn't have had if it weren't for the awful thing we went through.  For the Kelly's it brought their family back together and it gave them their faith, which has become an essential piece of who they are. 

This past weekend was an eye-opener for me.  For the second year in a row, I participated in The Dempsey Challenge to benefit the Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope & Healing.  The center gives cancer patients things they don't get with normal treatment.  Massage, Reiki, financial counseling, educational classes, a shoulder to cry on, or many other things to help them deal with what they are going through.  A whole person treatment approach.  Having lost many who suffered without a place to go for help like this, I can appreciate the relief patients and their families feel as the walk through the doors.  This weekend, the Dempsey Challenge helped me to find the Silver Lining of the cancers that have taken my friends and family, and still threaten to take more. 

Cancer pissed me off.  It made me so mad, that I sought out a way to do something to cancer.  I wanted to take something from cancer, as it had stolen so much from me.  I wanted to hurt it the way that I hurt.  Since Cancer is not a person and has no feelings, I fought with the tools I had.  Fundraising and my bike.  This is how I found the Dempsey Challenge.  I searched for something that could combine my desire to get back in shape and help people who are suffering from cancer.  The mission of the Dempsey Center caught me, and I knew I had something worth fighting for.  I never knew exactly where this path would lead me, and there is much yet left to explore in this challenge, but so far I have found so much good, that it made me see the silver lining. 

Nothing can give me back my family and friends that I have lost, or take away that pain.  Noone can ever take their places in my heart.  But what I have found is that I am renewed in my quest to fight cancer.  To date I have lost 35 pounds and got into a size 4, something I haven't seen since my late teens.  I'd call that a silver lining.  And not just the jeans, or the weight, but the biking I have done to complete this challenge has me in the best shape of my life.  It gave my husband and I something to do together.  And it encourages our children to exercise with us as well.  Another silver lining.  Then there are the people.  All of the lovely folks who work at and volunteer at the Center.  Their patients with stories so touching that the move you to tears and the hundreds of people who supported me in my efforts to do something about something we often feel powerless against.  The friendships, both face to face and over the internet, that have been forged out of a mutal hatred of cancer and its ugly effects, have brought so much joy to my life, the stories have truly changed my outlook on life.  How is it possible that something so good has come from something so bad?  Well, I guess that it is true that every dark cloud has a silver lining, because this cloud called cancer has stormed upon me many times, but I am left with many silver linings.  Those silver linings are what we need to hold onto.  Because without the silver linings, without making some good out of the bad, we let the evil thing called cancer win, and to me at least, this is NOT accceptable. 

So thank you all for your support over this journey.  My silver linings are countless and cancer will not prevail.   This past weekend not only did I meet many more people to add to my list of silver linings and spend time with some who were already on the list, but I accomplished something not many can say, and something I would have never imagined I could do before The Dempsey Challenge.  It may have taken over 7 hours to do it, and I may have missed most of the day's festivities in the park, but I completed the 100 mile course of the Dempsey Challenge.  Alongside my husband, Tom, and our friend AJ Riley, I crossed the line, marking 100 miles for the first time in my life, to the smiling faces of my children, my mom, and my friends, Dee and Jan (AJ's mom).   Raising about $8,500 this year while training for a task that last year I could not complete, I knew that the big challenge for me was to finish that 100.  The pride I feel at how much help can come to those suffering from cancer because of my efforts is equal to the pride of knowing that I did it.  I made 100 miles.  So, suck that cancer.  You may be a powerful foe, but as Chumbawamba sings "I get knocked down, but I get up again.  You're never gonna keep me down"  Thanks for reading, and I hope you all find your silver linings!

In Retrospect

So, today I sit at my computer with a cup of tea (Hao-Ya A to be exact) on this rainy, dreary day.  Yet, the weather only seems to make the colors of the leaves, that have begun their transformation to their beautiful Fall palette, pop more.  It made me think how the grey and dreary parts of life can make us realize just how good the colorful moments are.  This last year has been an interesting one, and I will start my blog posting with a little (ok, who am I kidding, I rarely EVER write anything that can be described as little) recap of this year.

Much of my year has been consumed with Fundraising and other activities related to The Dempsey Challenge.  If you do not know what this is, well, you must have been hiding under a rock.  It is a fundraising event for The Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope & Healing.  This year it is a two day event, which means on Saturday, I will be running a 5K with my family, and then Sunday riding 100 miles on my bike with my husband and our friend, AJ Riley.  It is going to be a blast.  Getting there has not always been. 

Last year I did this as my first ever fundraising experience.  I had done Susan Komen walks several times before, but these were always done through Tom's work, and I just went and participated.  Never actually did any fundraising.  So, I signed up to ride the 50 mile last year, which I ended up bumping up to the 100 mile ride.  I had never ridden further than probably 15 or 20 miles in a day when I signed up.  Due to a couple of flats in the first 10 miles, and my lack of hill climbing experience, we completed a 72 mile course.  But, in the process of fundraising, I got over $10,000 in donations from friends, family and complete strangers.  The reward (aside from the warm fuzzy feeling of helping others) was a semi-private ride with Patrick Dempsey, the charity's name sake, and the pro riders that came out for the event.  It was an interesting ride to say the least, but that story is something that I may choose to share later, or may keep to myself and those closest to me.  This year, I started out by signing up at the end of January.  I felt like I had a target on me.  One I had placed there myself perhaps, but a target none the less. 

So, I was off and running with my fundraising.  This year I brought backup.  I formed a team.  My friend and co-hort, Dee Hymel helped me to name our team The Buddha Rubbers.  It's a very long story and one that has many twists and turns, as well as one that is best left to the imagination.  I brought on my husband, my three kids, my mom, Dee & her daughter, and some Facebook/Twitter friends.  We had a hell of a year.  Dee and I had fun going back and forth over who would be # 1 fundraiser (in the end it was her, and I am truly proud of her and her efforts) , but as a team, we watched our numbers go up EVERY SINGLE week.  Good stuff, right?  Raising money for cancer patients to receive free assistance and education and other services that most never get the chance to have?  We thought so.  Not everyone agreed.  Here come the rainy days...You see, in the mix we have some folks who think that we were doing what we were doing for the wrong reasons.  Yes.  I admit it.  Dee and I are both fans of Patrick.  But, neither of us do this, as it is so often accused, as a way to get Patrick's attention.  We are both happily married with families of our own, as is Patrick.  Unfortunately all three of us have the connection of having to watch someone (or many someones) that we love immensely suffer with cancer.  Our stories are all different, but in the end, the common denominator is Cancer.  I honestly don't think I know anyone whose life has not been touched by this evil beast.  I got involved in this to do something about what I had always felt was an untouchable foe.  When I saw the work that the Dempsey Center does for those families dealing with Cancer, I was immediately hooked. 

So we sat back and did what we were doing, all the while dodging complaints that we were doing things for the wrong reason or lying about the cause itself.  Seriously?!  You want to badmouth a cancer charity?  Or people who are working their asses off to raise money to help strangers so that they have a little comfort in the storm?  Wow!  The motivation behind these attacks may be jealousy, or just genuine ignorance, but either way, it was infuriating.  Add onto that the several friends that have been diagnosed or re-diagnosed with Cancer this year.  My friend Dave, who had been battling Lung Cancer and now has to add a couple of brain tumors, that he has named Steve and Bob, to add to his fight.  An acquaintance from Vermont who is battling his own Brain tumor fight.  My friend and teammate Lynne, who just a couple of weeks ago found out that she has breast cancer.  But through these storms, the Fall leaves shone even brighter.   Through all of this, I have made some VERY wonderful friends.  From complete strangers whose love and support have helped The Buddha Rubbers to raise over $29,000 this year to friends old and new whose love and support have gotten me through life's up and downs.  My friend Carmen, for instance.  Our morning phone calls can range from talking about last night's episode to solving major life crises to exchanging drink recipes or listening to a bitch session.  The new friends I have found at The Demspey Center, the staff and the patients that my fundraising affects, and Dee herself, who until Superbowl weekend of this year, was someone I had never come face to face with.  And most of all, my family.  My parents who have supported EVERYTHING I have ever done in my whole life, and loved me unconditionally.  My husband, Tom,  who is confident enough in our love that he KNOWS that although Patrick may have "the best hair in the world" according to some recent poll they talked about on Leno, my heart belongs to Tom Gilmartin, as it has since I was 17 years old.  He is the man who supports me even when he thinks I may be in over my head and is there to catch me should I fall.   And my children.  Caitlyn, 10, is the quintessential big sister in our household.  She can be bossy, but she has a heart of gold.  Nobody else better try to boss around her sister or brother, or watch out!  She has thrown herself full throttle into this year's fundraising.  Joined by her siblings they have done bake sales, car washes, a yard sale and countless lemonade stands.  Caitlyn made friendship bracelets and sold them at school.  Mara, 9, is a piece of work for sure.  She has more energy than anyone I have ever met.  She is bubbly and loves animals and she wears her heart on her sleeve.  Then there is Finn.  Closing in on 5 years old.  We thought we were done having children after the girls were born, but wow!  I am so glad we were not!  Finn makes us all laugh every single day.  Ask anyone who knows him, they wait for Finn stories.  You see, my family/friend tree is full of brightly colored leaves.  People who make my life bright.  People who shine even brighter when the sky is grey.   So go ahead, try to rain on my parade.  I'm going to sit back, drink my tea, and enjoy the leaves.